Parenting out of Fear

Inconsolable Tears.  Tantrums.  Self Pity.  Lack of Confidence.  Lack of Self Control.  Doubt. And most of all, Fear.

And those are just my emotions.

Our sweet, smart, happy three year old is struggling.  Hitting, kicking, screeching, clawing, throwing, etc.  These past weeks in our house have been as close to hell on earth that I can imagine.  I don't use that term lightly.  Knowing that there are many people in worse predicaments than we are in, I feel a little shame admitting to feeling this way.  But seriously.  I've never felt so hopeless, out of control, depressed, anxious or fearful in my life.

How can I blame my daughter for her behaviors that are directly mimicking my own emotions?  God is not-so-subtly revealing to me that I am parenting out of fear rather than faith. 

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." ~Isaiah 41:13

Fear of Losing Control
I so long to be in control.  In control of my finances, my eating habits, my marriage, my household, and, most importantly, my daughter's behavior.  Well, there is nothing like a three year old's behavior to prove that I am not in control.  No matter how rigid, strict, structured and legalistic I aim to be, I absolutely cannot be in control.  My daughter can choose to eat or not eat, sleep or not sleep, be calm or scream at the top of her lungs, hug me or hit me, and there is not a single thing I can do to change a decision that she has already made.  The punitive measures I have used as consequences do absolutely nothing to teach her.  They are only my attempt to feign control, thus instilling further fear in my daughter.  I am ashamed.

"Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 4:4-7

Fear of Losing Face
I long for my daughter to be the most disciplined, best behaved and advanced child on the block.   My friends will read this and cringe.  (Give me grace, friends, I beg you.)  Truth is, I want people to look at her and see what an amazing parent I am.  What is wrong with me?  I now realize it is more important Lainey possess Godly traits such as peace, self control, Godly confidence, empathy and forgiveness.  How will she learn these if I am not modeling them? If instead I am modeling impatience and arrogance?

"There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love" ~1 John 4:18

Fear of the Future
Daily, I concern myself with how Lainey will be when she is a teen.  I've convinced myself if I don't teach her to respect authority NOW, she will grow up to be a terror.  To that end, I've adopted an authoritarian parenting style rather than attempting to understand her.

"Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." ~Matthew 6:34a

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." ~ Psalm 55:22

"For I know the plans I have for you,' declared the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

Fear of Losing Myself
I am so selfish.  I frequently put my own sleep, time, hobbies, desires before the emotional needs of my daughter.  Oh, I justify it:  "This will teach her independence." or "It is good for her to learn it isn't about her all the time."

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." ~Philippians 2:3-4

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." ~John 14:27

My sweet daughter.  I'm afraid I owe her BIG.  Because of my fear, we both have healing and misconceptions to overcome.  We need God.  I can only overcome this fear by giving up control, my image, the future and my desires to him.  And what a relief it is to turn it all over to him!  What an amazing God that He will still take me and love me in spite of my weakness.

I cannot raise Lainey the way she deserves without God's grace and guidance.  With this realization, I am filled with excitement, rather than fear, about the good works God will work in Lainey.  I am humbled with honor to be tasked to raise her.  God chose her for me and I will give him my love and trust in return.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come." 1 Corinthians 5:17

Not Perfect

Tonight Ty and I went out on a date.  It wasn't a perfect date, but it was fun.  Tonight is actually Night #2 for Lainey spending the night at her Grandma's house.  Night #1 was so we could celebrate the end of the school year, and Night #2 was because we failed so miserably celebrating that I felt we needed to give it another go.

That's what our life is about.  Failing and trying again.  Our life isn't perfect.  Yes, we have a gorgeous two year old.  We have a great home.  We have a fun marriage with memories and photos to back it.  But still, it isn't perfect.  Our daughter throws tantrums.  She hits and occasionally bites.  She's even smeared poop all over her room instead of taking a nap.  Our home has a dent in the wall from me throwing a cell phone.  It has a broken dead bolt.  Light fixtures are out.  The dream back yard is still that - just a dream.  My husband and I argue.  We bicker.  We bring out the worst in each other.  So no, life is not perfect.

Is any life perfect?

I don't often often post on facebook or instagram or here on my blog about the imperfections - the reality - of life.  And not many people do, do they? (I only speak for myself now: my personal reason for not sharing the poop-smeared walls and tear-filled arguments with the world wide web is out of respect for constituents that do not have a say in what I share or who I share with. I would feel horribly for my daughter if she were to get online and find posts or comments to make her feel less valued than she deserves.  Or, for my husband, to feel ridiculed or embarrassed by me or his marriage to me.)

I love reading the blogs by those who are REAL honest.  Transparent.  Don't you?  Thanks to you authors.  Thanks for being brave.  And thanks for being real.

But, regarding those of us more scared and reserved, if you are wondering or speculating that our lives might be perfect...the answer is NO.

Please, know and believe, that no life is perfect.   No woman feels like she is rocking that swimsuit right before she starts her period.  No mother feels she is raising her child perfectly.  No wife feels like she is entirely meeting her man's needs.  It's just not possible.

Why can I speak about this in such absolutes? We are human and we are in need of Grace.  If I were the perfect woman, the perfect mother, the perfect wife, I would not need God's grace.  And I firmly believe everyone - ev. er. y. one - needs grace.  We need it from God.

And we need it from ourselves.  Give it to yourself!  Forgive yourself for losing your temper.   Forgive yourself for that laundry pile that's been there since last week.  Forgive yourself for letting your child fuss so you could shave your legs.  Forgive yourself.

And try to be content.  Be content with the mess and the mayhem and the imperfections.  You are not alone in them.  And please remember that, even if facebook and instagram and blogger and twitter and anything else tell you differently, you are not alone in your struggles.

Tonight, by the end of our Try-Again date, Ty and I were looking at pictures of our daughter and talking about how much we missed her.  We laughed about her stubborn personality and speculated the trouble she would get herself into this week.


Nope.  Life is definitely not perfect.  But it's what we have.

Not Quite There Yet

But will I ever be?

A little over a month ago, when everything was hunky-dory in our household, a friend invited me to free load off her friend and take a trip to Hawaii.  The only expenses would be airfare and food.
(And shopping.  But that goes without saying.) After encouragement from Ty to do something for myself, I looked up ticket prices.  A $250 ticket basically screamed "DO IT! DO IT!"

That flight leaves Friday.  And I just don't know if I can do it.

For one, everything isn't hunky-dory right now, and that makes it harder to leave.  Nothing tragic, just a difficult couple of weeks in many aspects.  (Yes, cryptic, I know.)

Second, I just don't know if I'd enjoy being there.  And what is more depressing than being in paradise when it doesn't feel like paradise? Lame.

Also, the Guilt.  Guilt is a fairly new thing for me.  But now the thought of leaving Lainey for 5 1/2 days keeps me awake at night.  Brings tears to my eyes.  Is giving me these damn stress bumps I get on my fingers. They hurt, too.

When Ty and I left her for one night, she was a grizzly bear when we returned.  Clingy, whiny, screaming over nothing.  Wouldn't fall asleep. That was just three weekends ago.

Ty would take care of her just fine, of that I'm confident. And she loves, loves, loves her daddy.  But she needs, needs, needs her mama.  At least that's how it feels right now.

And yes, the logical part of me is whispering, "She'll be fine."  "It'll be good for her and Ty." "You need some rest." "The break will be good for you." And all the other things probably running through your mind right now.

And yet, I just don't know if I can leave yet.

Today I'm Grateful For...

...my job.  How many people can honestly say that?  So many have asked lately how the adjustment going back to work is.  I LOVE IT!!!  What's not to love?  Despite the common (mis)conception, middle schoolers, in my book, are pretty great.  (I know, I know...I'll feel differently when our children are at that age. Especially if they behave how I did.)  As their teacher, though, I believe most just want to be heard and understood.  Get them to trust that you have their back and you care about them, they'll want to please you more than any kindergartener wants to please her teacher. If the day comes that I don't understand or care about middle schoolers, I need to leave the profession and work at Costco (my other dream job).

...autumn.  Crisp, cool mornings.  Sunshine in the afternoon with a light breeze.  Gorgeous leaves changing color. No wasps or yellow jackets.  Hot tubbing.  Fabulous beer selection. Football.  What's not to love about fall?

...girlfriends.  Yes, my husband is great and if I had to choose only one person to take to a deserted island for the rest of my life, I'd definitely choose him.  But there's something about close companionship with another woman.  One in particular (she knows who she is even though she NEVER reads my blog) brings out the best in me but loves the worst of me.  Seasons change in friendships; they ebb and flow like any relationship.  But I feel fortunate to have a few close women that will drop everything if necessary for me, no matter the season of our friendship.

...home.  Not just our physical house, but the warmth we've created.  I decorated for fall recently, and it involved re-arranging some furniture and creating a play room for Lainey.  The process was enjoyable and the end result is, well, home.  I just like how it feels to come home.

...my past.  I don't share much about it, but I'm grateful for all of it.  For my deep friendship with my cousin as a child to my adolescent attitudinal struggles (huh, spell check didn't underline "attitudinal"), to my lost high school years and I'm-so-ashamed-of-my-behavior-I-can't-put-a-name-on-them college years.  Even my depressed years.  My past has defined who I am.  That said, I'm quite certain how I live now is creating the person I am still becoming.

Today I'm grateful.

Dirty Laundry

"Maybe you should blog on a [miserable] day like today so people don't think your life is so perfect."

Only a mom could be so honest, right?

Some time back, I posted this status on facebook:  So, instagram and Facebook help make everyone's lives look perfect. I'm here to honestly say that though our pictures are gorgeous, especially in Maui right now, and though life is sweeter than ever with our daughter home, life still presents challenges. I never want to make others feel down or negative with my posts or pictures. We all have celebrations. We all have struggles. (Ty's response is, "Preach it, Sister.")

We were in Hawaii, having a less than stellar time, and I just felt like all the cuteness and smiling and tan faces were so misleading for how I really felt on that trip.  And after my mom's comment, perhaps my blog appears that way, also.

I want to be real with others, but I also am a very private person with my struggles.  And, to be honest, if I don't feel a connection with someone, their struggles make me uncomfortable.  The whole "don't air your dirty laundry in public" rings true to me.

At the same time, I do not care for fake. The result is my reserved personality, and, as it seems, a reserved blog.

In an attempt to process this dilemma, here is my dirty laundry.  You were warned.

Two nights ago, through tears, I said to Ty, "I miss our life before."  I meant "before we had a daughter," but I couldn't bring myself to finish the sentence.  It just felt so wrong to voice that.  The truth is, I am grieving for the way things used to be.  I miss who I used to be, who my husband used to be and what our marriage was.  It's just all so stinkin' complicated now.  Nothing seems simple anymore.  We don't seem to laugh together as much.  The ease of being together is no more.

It's been four months!  The pieces of this life should just all fit together nicely by now.  I should be looking at my husband with our daughter in his arms and be so much more magically in love with him because he is the father of our child (instead of thinking, "will she stay with him long enough for me to shower?").

After four months, I should know how to put Lainey to bed so she falls asleep peacefully and without drama.  I should know if she is throwing a tantrum because she is a spoiled child or because she is constipated.

Because Lainey has transitioned smoothly to our home, the pressure is colossal.  The pressure to have this mothering thing perfected is heavy.  It's hard to let myself off the hook when I read about the grief adopted children go through because Lainey seems to be doing fine.  (It's me who isn't always fine!) I read and hear stories about the struggles other adoptive families go through and I think, "What the heck do I have to complain about?" And yet, I've managed to ramble my way through four paragraphs of complaints.

Guilt is a heavy burden, isn't it?  Guilty for enjoying and sharing a great life.  Guilty for struggling and baring weakness.

I know guilt is pretty typical for mothers, but what about comparing?  I find I'm always comparing our situation with Lainey to other families.  Traditional and adoptive families.  Sometimes it feels like I'm in a race.  Always looking ahead and behind me for others.  My competitive nature, I suppose.

Well, that's it for now. Except, I'm asking for grace as you read this.  I'm taking a risk and not re-reading this post to edit before clicking "Publish." :)

It's Not About Me. Or Could It Be?

Or, there is the very likely chance that I have no flippin' idea what it's about.

It's been a heart-breaking few days around our house, a confusing few days, and underneath it all, defying any logic or sense, a peaceful few days.

I've been working through a study called Believing God by Beth Moore.  (Side note: I'm not a B.M. groupie.)  As a proud self-preservationist, God has quite a job working in my heart.  My instinct is to protect myself at all costs.  I'm a pessimist and I try to never, ever get my hopes up by believing in something that isn't a sure thing.

I've learned that God calls me to be the opposite.  Huh.  The opposite of my human nature.  Go figure.

I began the study thinking it would help me have faith that God will bring Lainey home.  Only a few weeks into the study I am learning there are so many miracles for God to do and most of them have to do with me, not Lainey.

So it is about me.  It's about my heart.

I was journaling, wondering if bringing Lainey home is really a miracle.  Something that could only happen through supernatural, divine intervention, and decided, no.  Lainey can come to our home through the actions and decisions of man.  Orphans are brought into homes all the time without specific prayer for them.

Then it hit me that perhaps the miracle - the event that could only happen through supernatural, divine intervention - is the renewing of my heart. A potter molding clay into something the clay has no intention of being.  No desire to be.

Yep.  That's what hit me.  Or rather, slowly ran over me and I'm finally catching on.  So, a little over a week ago I just decided I was going to be the faithful person who believes God is who He says He is and God can do what He says He can do.  I realize that makes it sound like it was a flippant decision.  I "just decided." In truth, I really didn't feel like I had any other option.  That was God working in me.

To put that faith into action, I began believing that God's plan for Lainey is smarter than my plan to have her here yesterday.  "Anything not of The Lord is the lesser," according to my Bible study.

Our case had been submitted to Embassy and we received confirmation that they were attempting to track down the police officer in charge of her abandonment. With my renewed faith, I set aside my instinct to protect myself and begin hoping and believing that God would bring her home soon. I wanted to prove to God that I do believe Him.  I started expecting an email telling us it was time to board that plane and pick Lainey up. I began opening up to people easier, sharing my hope.  I even started to lay out clothes to pack for L.

I got an email, all right.  The first words were We regret to inform you...  Turns out the Embassy was not able to locate the officer, so our file is being sent to the U.S. Citizenship & Immigration Services (USCIS) in Nairobi, Kenya, for further review.

Heartbreak.

And yet I feel like God is saying, "Am I still worth believing in?  Do you still trust me?"

And I have to respond Yes, Lord.  Not only because it's the only hope I have to hang onto, but because maybe this is all my doing. Maybe I've been holding up this process.  There is so much work to be done in my heart that only God can do.  I've known this for so, so long and have been resisting.  Oh sure I've gone through the Christian motions, but I've not let Him really mess with this chunk of clay.  I've wanted the control.  I've been more confident in my ability to protect myself.

And for real, when Lainey is safely home in my arms, my heart will be so filled with her, it probably won't be so conducive to all the work God needs to do in me first.  Right?  Aren't I always less receptive to God's movement when things are going well?

I really don't blame God if he allowed the officer to go wherever he went to see if I really believe Him.  Really trust him.  One re-commitment on my part, conveniently right before we could get potential good news, isn't so convincing.

So, I choose to believe God's promise that He will not give me more than I can handle.  And I choose to believe He knows more than I do.  And, miraculously, believing brings me relief and peace.

I don't know what happens with L's file in Nairobi.  I hope they will email in a couple weeks and say we are approved to pick her up. I believe that can happen and I am allowing myself to hope.  But, if that's not in God's will, we may not see our daughter for months.

In the meantime, I will continue to let God shape me. I will believe that someday, even if it isn't until I'm in Heaven, I will understand that there is indeed a reason better than I can currently comprehend for this delay.

Unraveling

It is Sunday evening and I am resting in our room upstairs. Ty is down in the lobby / dining area listening to music and journaling.

It's been a long day. We attended church, which was an indescribable experience that I will, still, try to describe at a later time. We also went to a museum here in Addis that offered compelling evidence of evolution, plus amazing historical artifacts unique to Ethiopia.

The activities of our day are irrelevant to the exhaustion I feel. Cabin fever to the max. We are at the mercy of everyone around us, and it is discomforting. I miss talking on the phone to my mom. I miss Boone. I miss driving myself where I want to go and choosing what I want to eat for dinner. I miss the conveniences of our life that I so often take for granted.

Tomorrow we will see Marta for the last time before returning home, and then we are headed to a mission in the country where women craft goods to help orphans and widows. Tuesday we will appear in court. Our guest home is performing a coffee ceremony for us at dinner, and we fly out at 11 PM. I am hopeful for a relatively quick 28 hour trip home. And looking forward to a cold beer during our layover in Frankfurt. (Beverages are not refrigerated here and we are abstaining from the booze out of respect for the Christian Orthodox religion.)

Signing off, so I can take this complaining to God. I know...I should've done that first.

Update: it's Monday morning and after prayer, snuggling with Ty, a decent night sleep and an amazing cup of Ethiopian coffee, my little pity party has past.

We visit Lainey for the final time today. And we are also donating two suitcases of formula to YWAM orphanages today. Thanks, all, for the donations!

And So It Begins

Sitting at Seatac. Signs that we have nervous energy: just spent $28 on 3 magazines and some batteries. My nose won't stop running. My nose runs a lot when I'm nervous. Ty's random bursts into song annoy me. A little.

The past couple days I've been measuring time by frequency. "Two more vitamins til we leave." or "Five more times I'll feed Boone before we leave." or "Last time I will brush my teeth before we leave." (And, no, that was not a couple days ago.)

Last night, at home, I was surprised by melancholy. I can't explain it, really, but I also do not want to dismiss it. Maybe sometime soon I will realize its reason or purpose.

So, here we are, boarding in less than 30 minutes. We have a 2 hour layover in Frankfurt, and from there we fly nonstop to Addis. We arrive in Addis at 9:15 pm on Wednesday, 11/30. Someone from our guest home will pick us up. After a restful night of sleep (I can think positive, right?), we will be picked up on Thursday morning at 9:30 and be driven to the Thomas Center, the orphanage where our daughter will be waiting. We will meet her for the first time around 10 am Thursday, ET time. About midnight Pacific.

Our agenda the rest of the time is, well, we aren't sure, really. We hope to visit the Thomas Center every day except Sunday. On Sunday, visitors are not allowed, so we are working on hiring a Christian driver to show us the sites of our daughter's home country. We want to do a little shopping. Baskets, maybe, or wall art.

We will not be traveling to Lainey's remote orphanage as originally planned because our driver became unavailable. Instead, Lainey was brought to Addis Adama a few days ago.

We are excited to see Tana and Miles, who are already united in Addis and on Saturday will BOTH be returning home to Casey to begin their family of three life together.

We are also encouraged by Tana and Casey's timeline. Miles' embassy date was just a couple months after their court approval. There is a good chance we will be approved when we appear on December 6, and since we've been repeatedly cautioned against having a hopeful timeline, I'll leave the calculating up to you. Prayers for a quick turn-around would be appreciated. Although we have not met or held Lainey yet, I am already dreading the temporary good bye when we leave Addis.

It's meaningful and bittersweet that today, November 29, four years ago, Ty's dad passed away. Ty, Sr. had a rough personality and left a little to be desired as a father, but I have absolutely no doubt he would've been proud of his son and a hell of a grandpa.

It's a bit surreal and I have no idea what the next eight days hold. But, in our prayer this morning I thanked God that the deepest desire of my heart matched His will for our life right now. And I'm just a little excited to get this party started!

Seattle to Frankfurt.  Frankfurt to Addis Ababa.

Fake It 'Til It's Real

If you are thinking this is a post about intimacy, get your mind out of the gutter!

Growing up, I played soccer on the city parks and rec team.  My parents enrolled me in the summer time so I could productively work out my pent up aggression.  I was quite small and very often the only girl on the team.  And I was SO SCARED every Saturday: Game Day.  My dad told me, "Don't worry about their size or that they're all boys.  Look at their feet." When my response was that their feet were HUGE, he told me, "Well then, act brave.  Fake it 'til it's real."  

Again, at 32, I find myself faking it.  Faking that I don't care that I'm not tan.  Faking that I'm not hurt by a Facebook post that leaves me out.  Faking that I don't care someone else has the ambition to run 5 miles in the rain when I wish I didn't have to walk to my car.

Perhaps God is working in me.  I joined a Bible Study with a group of women from "the harbor."  (Big risk for me.) We are studying Esther and this week is all about how beautiful and perfect Esther was.  That was even before her 12 months of beauty treatment that prep'd her to meet King Xerxes.  12 Months!  I know [hope] there is a lesson about inner beauty and finding my identity in Christ coming soon, but in the mean time, I feel like I am flipping through the pages of Cosmopolitan!

At the end of the Bible Study, I look forward to having the confidence to go to the grocery store without eye liner, quit highlighting my hair blonde and wear a tank top any time of year. I am hoping to keep my mouth shut when I am feeling insecure rather than sticking my foot in it later, and, of course, will love everyone who is cuter than me rather than be jealous of them.

But, let's be real.  If that's not the case, maybe I can just fake it til it's real.

Things That Warm My Heart This Weekend

Autumn. The colors, smells, tastes. The decorations and warm, cozy colors.

7 Seas Harvest Ale.

The Seahawks won yesterday.  I'm not a loyal fan (I'll  be honest; I like to cheer for teams I can count on to win), but a Hawks win makes my husband a happy man.

A Fine Frenzy radio on Pandora.

Black Bean Pork Chili cooking in the crock-pot.

On October 13, court in Ethiopia re-opens.  Waiting anxiously to find out the rate the judge goes through files.  We have a file number.

My mom is coming to visit this fall.

Friends like Jeremy and Jodi.  Busy schedules don't allow us to see them too often, but when we do we are guaranteed being blessed.

Our friends' kids.  Ones like Teegan and Corbin Bruya.  And Kaya Pruitt. They're coming for dinner tonight and I can't wait to see each of them.

Hooded sweatshirt and jeans with cowboy boots.

Goodwill deals. Pier One [hard to find] deals.

Honest blogs.  The ones that let me know people are real. And that I'm not so different and alone after all.

Esther.  The hot chick in the Bible.

My husband.  Today I was in a funk and he just sat next to me, close enough that we were touching, but not too close for the mood I was in. He sat quietly for a few minutes and then smirked at me.  Couldn't help but laugh.

No school today.  Not because of Columbus day.  It's a furlough day for teachers.

This:

What warms your heart this weekend?

How You Can Talk to Me About Adoption

I started this post with the title "What TO Say and What NOT to Say to an Adoptive Parent." It's been since revised.  I am just not confident enough that I know what I'm talking about to make such a generality.  Thus, the title.

I recently came across a post titled, What Not to Say to Adopted People. Among other reasons I was not comfortable with the article, it just didn't give any explanation to why comments might be hurtful.  The author assumed the general population should know our perspective. Rather, my perspective.


I hope after reading this, you'll still talk to me and ask me about our adoption.  Seriously.  So many people have said so many positive encouraging things to me.  Here are some super positive ways to approach the subject:

• "I am excited for you in this process and look forward to hearing your reflections when you look back on it."

This statement shows you assume the positive, that you believe we will have a family, and that you will be there for me in the future.

• "How can I specifically pray for you?"

What better way to offer support than prayer?  There have been times I've been so lost that I've relied on others to pray for me, knowing I didn't have the faith or strength to pray on my behalf.

• "What are you most excited about in this process?"

No matter how I am feeling, I can always share how excited I am to watch Lainey play soccer, learn to manage her hair, go on walks with her, and  introduce her to her Opa and Grandma.

• "Are you willing to share your fears with me?" 

Like any parent, I do have fears.  Sometimes I would like to talk about them, but most of the time I'd rather not focus on them.

~

Now...onto the section of the post about what not to say.  At least, what not to say to me.  General rule is simple: Unless you and I are seriously tight and it is completely necessary, please, please, please refrain from saying anything remotely negative about adoption.  Just as you wouldn't mention the hemorrhoids, weight gain and heartburn to a newly pregnant woman, please avoid mentioning the alternates, risks, and unknowns of adoption to me.

Here are a few examples of what I mean.

• "You just wait, you are going to get pregnant right after you adopt."

Avoid this statement and ones like it because it simply isn't true.  If you are speaking to me, this is not true because I am on birth control.  We have chosen adoption as our path to start a family, and statements like this one implies you believe having a biological child is the better way.  To us, it just isn't. And if I do get pregnant, I am fairly certain the correct formula for getting pregnant wasn't adoption.

If you are making this statement to another adoptive mother, please consider this:  You likely do not know what she has been through or how and why she decided to adopt. Perhaps she has grieved over multiple miscarriages, or she or her husband cannot physically have bio children. You may have reminded her of the hurt, pain, tears, and grief she has overcome.  Or maybe, just maybe, she chose first to have a family through adoption. Comments like the one above carry the tone that family completion is achieved through having biological children. For many people, for a variety of reasons, this just isn't the case.

I do understand that you know someone, or know someone who knows someone, who got pregnant right after adopting.  But for every one of those women, there are thousands who have a different story.  If it weren't unique, it wouldn't be so interesting.

• "I know a couple who adopted and sent the kid back because she wasn't the right fit for them." or "Are you worried her personality just won't fit with yours?"

We would no more send Lainey back than a biological mom would return her child to her womb. We are emotionally attached to her and have claimed her as our child.  She is our daughter.

The latter statement, no matter how well intentioned, still can hurt. Of course we worry about that! Most parents are hopeful their child is even tempered and adjusts well within her surroundings, and we are too. But statements like this one remind us of the little control we have.

• "Let me know if your feelings on adoption change after the process."

OK, this one doesn't need explanation. But I still had to include it.  Why would someone say something like this?  I'd never say that to someone, on the eve of the most exciting, challenging part of their life.  Wow.  Kill-joy!

• "Why don't you just adopt from our own backyard?  Plenty of kids are needy here, too."

True.  And maybe we will.  But we choose not to place value on children based on where they are born.  Our hearts were led to adopt from Ethiopia .  We believe God "hand-picked" Lainey for us from the side of the road outside a little village there. We did not choose to adopt from Ethiopia to save the world, or even to save one child.  (We know adoption is not the answer to the orphan crisis in Africa.)  Regardless, we DID choose Ethiopia, and it wasn't a decision we made lightly.  

~

Again, I hope you won't avoid talking to me about the most exciting thing in our lives right now.  But whatever you say, I'd so appreciate if you give me "an out" to the conversation. Sometimes I am overwhelmed, tired, and just plain scared this will all fall apart any minute.  During those times, I really just want to get through the day without talking about it.

I need friends and I need support.  Thanks for being open to learn alongside of me!

Musings re: Adoption

All to often I think, I should elaborate on that thought on my blog.  This particularly  happens when I am thinking about Lainey, missing her, wishing to hold her, and/or frustrated she isn't in my arms NOW.

But as it goes during back-to-school time, most of my mental energy (limited as it already is) is put to use in my classroom. This post, then, is the result of my need to write that has overruled my better judgment. Once again, I apologize for my randomness. (For someone so concrete sequential, I find myself making that apology often.)

Exciting update - our sweet baby girl gained two pounds last month. Her head circumference measures in the same. 16 inches.  (Is this good?) I know, I know, head circumference isn't really that thrilling. But each month we receive updates from her orphanage.  That's what I get, so I'll take it, desperate for any information. I rejoice that in the "Health Status" column, it reads Healthy.

Are you a parent of a baby? Perhaps around a year old? Imagine seeing your child for the first time today. Imagine missing everything your child's sweet life up to this point. Crazy, right? I am comparing apples to oranges here to make a point (the apples being giving birth biologically and the oranges being adopting internationally), and the point is not to gain your sympathy. But, please, will you pray for us and our daughter and an other adoptive families you know of? We are often happy people like you who are living wonderful lives...with an empty place that can only be filled by our child(ren).

Two very small comments were written to me that made me jump for joy.  Figuratively, of course.  They both came from Becky and Joy at YWAM.  The first was in an email about Lainey and it stated, "Hopefully it won't be much longer until you meet her." The second came in the mail.  Joy and Becky are so great, sending out postcards with encouraging bible verses on the front and personalized notes on the reverse.  This postcard said, "Hope you're off to a great school year - this one will be interrupted by some wonderful things, including travel to Ethiopia and a sweet little girl." Now, Joy and Becky know things.  And hearing our hopes confirmed in their encouragement is, well, encouraging!

And speaking of encouragement, I have a post in draft form titled, "What TO Say and What NOT to Say to Adoptive Parents." It sounds a tiny negative and I don't want to offend anyone.  But some people just don't know what to say &/or how to be sensitive, so they blunder and then say something offensive or just absolutely ridiculous.  Not sure if I should publish the post or not.  If I do, you can bet I've had a glass or two of wine first.

We visited CA last weekend for my grandparents' 70th Wedding Anniversary.  (Also another post in draft form.) Being there, I was so honored to be their granddaughter.  So proud of my family heritage! And just proud we chose Lorraine as the name for our daughter.  I found myself thinking of her as Lorraine rather than Lainey a few times because of my awe and adoration of my grandmother.  I do think of them a little on the same terms - both have survived more hardship than I've ever known or could imagine, both needing to rely on someone else, and when talking about both of them I can't help but smile. Lorraine.  I love it.

Our sweet daughter is never far from my center of thought.  She is in our prayers daily.

Summer Twenty-Eleven Takes the Cake

No Hawaii.  No Mexico.  No Key West.  Record-breaking summer rainfall.  Why, then, does this summer beat them all?

Because God is so good and He knows exactly what is best for me.  And this summer, that was eight weeks of absolutely nothing.  This was the first summer in our house and I was able to just enjoy it.  After years of grieving over infertility and the heartbreak wait that the adoption process brings, I can honestly say that I am grateful for a chill-axed summer without a baby in our house!

On the typical day I slept in til eight-ish, sipped coffee and chatted with my mom.  The lazy days just slipped away while I gardened, picked up the house (a bit), jog-alked, read, facebooked, blogged, pinned, or crafted.  On some days, when Ty called around 3 to let me know he was on his way home from work, I realized I better shower and get out of my cozies!

And, no matter how fabulous tropical vacations are, they don't beat seeing the beautiful face of my daughter for the first time - even if only in photo.  Hard to believe this family thing is all coming together for us, and I couldn't have picked a better time (though I would've told you differently several months ago)!  Having the summer to work on paperwork, dream and plan Lainey's room, and simply nest in our house has been a blessing.

Home truly is where the heart is.

7 Quick Takes

~1~

The school year is creeping in on us! First day for students of PSD is September 1.  That's a Thursday; so we go Thursday and Friday and then have Labor Day Weekend. First day for staff is, well, I'm not sure.  Sometime next week, I think.  Or maybe the week after.  Guess I should check my calendar now and then. 

Have I mentioned I love my job?  I'm not dreading going back to school (and not just because HUGE, EXCITING things are happening in the year ahead). Middle schoolers are just pretty awesome.  Do you remember what it was like to be a middle school kid?  Yikes.  I'll tell you one thing; I was no where near as funny, clever, or spunky as these guys are.  The students are definitely the best part of my job, but staff is a close second.  I {heart} Harbor Ridge.  And a tie for second is just teaching in general.  I'm not the type to get so much joy from the "ah ha" moment students have like the really good teachers do; I just love to help kids learn.

~2~

Pinterest.  'Nuff said, right?  Ok, ok, I'll say more.

Here is my post on facebook a couple days ago: I feel the need to apologize to anyone who "follows" me on Pinterest.  I can't stop!  After that post, this is my conversation with our friend Chad (who just got on facebook a couple months ago, if that tells you anything).

Me: I wonder if there is a Pinterest app? [Which, there is, by the way, but not created by Pinterest.]

Chad: I totally didn't get your post the other day.  Where the heck is Pinterest and who was behind you?

Me: Huh?

Chad: You said someone was following you and you apologized.  Were you running up a steep hill?  Did you have gas or something?

~3~

I miss my family.  Particularly my mom.  The other evening I was a little down and all it took was Ty to kindly say, "Babe, what's wrong?" and the waterworks began. Like a five year old dropped off at kindergarten, I cried, "I miss my mo-o-o-om!"  I get SO STINKIN' jealous of friends who have family nearby.  I would give so much to be able to hop on over to mom and dad's for dinner, or meet up to watch the football game with my dad, or go on a nice, long walk with my mom.  Since our referral, I find myself calling my mom nearly everyday.  "I have a new idea for her room," or "We get to send Lainey a gift today," or just "Ahh, I'm so stinkin excited!"  I cannot wait to bring Lainey home, but I also cannot imagine how much more I'll miss my mom when that time comes!

~4~

This summer has been my favorite so far.  Of. my. entire. life. When I told this to Ty, he was surprised. No Hawaii trip.  No Key West trip.  No Mexico trip. Goes to prove something.  (More on that something in another post.)

~5~

My dear friend, Lisa, in in Switzerland right now.  Her sister, who she is very close to, moved there several years back when her husband was transferred.  Their move was difficult enough for Lisa, and then a couple of years ago, her sister was diagnosed with melanoma cancer.  Lisa and I had plans to walk last week and the night before I got a text: "I am leaving for Switzerland tomorrow to give support to my brother-in-law and niece."  My heart breaks for this family.  If you think to, pray for them?

~6~

Do you know that child sacrifice still occurs?  So sad.  Click here for an article about a Christian group in Ethiopia fighting against child sacrifice.

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2011/august/ethiopiariverdeath.html

~7~

I am going antique-ing today! There was a time I'd rather stick a fork in my eye than look at old furniture.  Wow, have things changed, including my decor style. Ty is taking a half day off (yep, principals work in the summer) and we are headed west to seek a treasure or two.  My goal is to find a window pane for this project:

Or maybe shutters for this:

Or maybe a trunk for this:

Or, if I am feeling really ambitious, 

Happy Friday, All!

7 Quick Takes Friday is hosted by Jennifer at ConversionDiary.com.

On Being "30 Plus"

I was with my dear friend Elisabeth several months ago at a bar.  We overheard a conversation between two gals who were barely old enough to be in the bar.  They were discussing a problem with a friend of theirs', to which one of the gals responded with, "You know what her problem really is, don't you?  Well, she's, like, Thirty Plus...."

If you're in your twenties, you may be thinking, Well, yeah, that's true. If you are in your thirties, rest assured!  Any problem you have is because you are thirty plus.  And if you are older than your thirties, you might read this and think how much learning and growing up I still have to do!

When (in my twenties) I was going through the dark years of my life, I asked my mom what her favorite age was.  Her reply was, you guessed it, her thirties. Once again, Mom, now that I older and so much wiser, I agree with you.

I won't go so far as to say it is a fact that 30-anything is the best age, but I will venture to guess it's true for many of those I know.

With my thirties, I've gained confidence.  I feel like I might know who I am.  Though I may not understand fully my purpose or how I fit into God's purpose for His Kingdom, I am finally outside myself enough to know it's not all about me.

I no longer obsess about my figure and my looks.  I'm comfortable (albeit, not proud) with myself and I accept my rationalizations about why I am the way I am and move on with my thoughts. 

In my thirties, I've learned to garden, decorate, and nest.  If you knew me in college, you'd know the contrast from then to now.  People used to come into my apartment for the first time and say, "Oh, you just moved in?" Within the past  few years, I've grown to cherish my time at home. (I even started a veggie garden this summer.)

I am less judgmental and critical of others.  Guess what? No one is perfect. Though still not open and naturally trusting, I don't dwell on what so-and-so might've said that could've hurt my feelings.  And if so-and-so really says something, I've learned to handle it with honesty and sincerity rather than revenge.

I also forgive myself easier.  I'm not so much a perfectionist anymore, and what a relief!  I laugh quickly at my many mistakes and even more idiosyncrasies.  It's not such a struggle to admit when I'm wrong.

I've learned that I can't fool myself into thinking I have control over a situation, so I've stopped trying so hard.  If I had to choose one action that has benefit my marriage, friendships, family relationships and career, The Act of Letting Go would be it. 

Material items have less of a hold over me in my thirties.  Proof?  My Love Language has changed.  Ty and I recently took the Love Language Inventory again.  (The first time was prior to being married.) My top love language in 2004: gifts.  Today: quality time.  Gifts still came a close second, but my needs are better, and more easily, met with a little QT. 

I could likely go on and on, but I am beginning to feel a tiny bit egotistical with all this me-me-me talk.  Truly, I am not fooled into thinking I deserve the credit.  I am just grateful for where I am, who I am, and the blessings of my life.

A few never revealed photos of being, like, Thirty Plus.

30th Birthday.  Entering that dreaded decade!

Bringing back the side pony.

Yikes.

Cheese.

Happy much?

On Waiting & Identity

"Adoption isn't for the faint of heart."

"The hardest part is the wait."

Oh, how many times I've heard those phrases!  But some things you can't learn unless you live it.

I'd like to revise the second phrase to, "The hardest part is living in the wait." Think about yourself for a moment - how do you identify yourself?  A mother?  Pregnant? A stay-home-mom? A teacher? A nurse? A wife? A realtor?  An artist? A girlfriend? A fiance?  A free spirit? A home owner?  A home schooler?

All those identities reveal the state one is presently in.  RIGHT NOW.  The constant state of waiting leaves me with a bit of an identity crisis.  I've wanted to claim to the identity of  "A mother" for 4+ years.  The ebb and flow of hope, excitement, and disappointment the last four years has offered no pattern or predictability; thus, I've found myself detaching.

Detach: Avoid baby sections in stores.  Smile and congratulate friend after friend who gets pregnant and try to conceal the ache that makes your stomach clench.  Ignore the room that is supposed to be the baby room.  Crowd it with junk.  Skip church on Mother's Day.  Procrastinate sending in adoption paperwork. Delight in going out every weekend, even though if you were truthful, you'd rather have a reason to stay home.

My little detached world came crumbling down on me through a series of events last week. Without going into detail about those events, I came to realize something humbling.

I've been making this all about me.

Dang it.  By protecting myself, I've made my focus so inward that I've pumped my heart full of bitterness, impatience, resentment and  deceit.

If I'm honest, I have to say that I have a heart for motherhood (that is, myself) more than a heart for the orphans of Ethiopia.  I didn't start this journey to motherhood with the quest to adopt from Ethiopia; it just happens that I want to be a mother and there is a need for mothers of orphans there. 

Thankfully, God has taken my selfish heart and miraculously aligned its desires with something so Holy as His Will.

All that to say, and I still struggle with my identity.  It seems I am being challenged to base it on faith.  After 25 or so years of being a Christian, faith still seems so impractical.  Intangible.  Faith doesn't help me decide if it's "safe" to decorate Lainey's room yet.   If I dare read that book about parenting my internationally adopted child yet.  If I should get the pedicure or put the money in savings.  You know, things that matter. (Insert eye roll here.)

Last week I was reminded that motherhood is not about me.  It is about our little girl.  It is about sacrificing.  And being God's servant.  And being tired.  And confused, scared, and lost.  None of my emotions will fade when our daughter is home with us.  In fact, they will likely increase in intensity.   

My identity crisis is not about not being a mom; it is about not trusting God in who He made me. 

I was given this advice: Grow as close as you can to God in these months.  He will take you through the hardest and most rewarding years of your life raising your daughter. 

In these months, and others to come, when I am lost as to who I am, I will seek my identity in Christ.  Maybe none of this is about me after all.

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts

Traveling makes me reflective, particularly when I travel without Ty.  All that time to myself to think. So, possible future posts...

• Parenting as a Lifestyle
• Living in Limbo
• Identity Crisis
• Fundraiser: Crochet Baby Headbands (SO stinkin' cute)
• Blood and Water - Family and Friends
• God, Jesus, Holy Spirit
• Income < $2/Day
• Gardening / Decorating / Homemaking

Looking forward to being home!

Using Up My Words

So I heard a study that proved men and women have an average number of words they are comfortable using in a day. And guess what? Woman talk more. This statistic proves true in my marriage. I typically have much more to say than Ty in the evenings, though his days are genrally more entertaining. (You know, discussing the theme of Holes is a little less interesting than hearing how Ty had to chase a kid through the woods.)

Anyway, back to the words study. Whenever Ty is not talkative, I ask him if he's used all his words for the day and whenever I feel particularly chatty, I warn him that I have a lot left.

All that said to preface that I have a lot of words left today and this is an experiment: can I use up words by blogging? Be warned: this is an All About Me post.

I love my job. As of recently, however, I am bored with the daily routine. When I mentioned this to Ty his response was, "At least it's taken til May rather than October this year." True that, true that.

I am already looking forward to starting new next year. New beginnings and change inspire me. Big changes like a new job or little ones like daylight savings. The passing of time doesn't bother me. But it really bothers Ty. He has this "thing" about getting old.

Our dog is bi-polar. He will play, play, play with Tank (his pup friend) and all of a sudden, climb into his crate to pout. Sometimes he goes into his crate and then just whines at us from in there.

Summer break is three weeks away from yesterday. Did I mention I love my job?

If I could look like any woman in the world, I'd pick Carrie Underwood. If I could chose a talent, it'd be singing. Oh, and I would want to get over the stage fright thing.

After mentioning to Ty I want to be a runner, I tried. It's just not for me. I'm good walking, rollerblading, or competing. But running, just to run, when no one is chasing me? Nuh-uh.

Back to our dog. He loves me more than he loves Ty and I am secretly glad.

My mom is awesome. She is an amazing wife to my dad, who, let's face it, can be difficult at times. She gives great advice, but always asks permission first or waits til I ask for it. She, with my dad, pray for us every morning. Sometimes she tells me specifically what she prayed for us about and it's always spot on with our need.

I am on a spending fast this month.

I would like to start a new devotional written specifically for women. I will take suggestions! I need to get into God's word on a regular basis but am lacking the drive. I pray for a reminder of how much I need God, but not too strong of a reminder. I would like to fall in love with Him again and really know in my heart that I matter to him.

Our house need some serious landscaping in the back. Retaining wall plus.

Ok, so that was a lot of words. If this experiment works as I hope, when Ty gets home, we will have a balanced conversation. Will comment on it's success later!

What I Could Be Doing...

...instead of nothing:

Folding laundry
Watering plants
Weeding and digging
Praying
Reading my Bible
Adoption paperwork or reading "The Connected Child"
Exercising
Organizing Tupperware
Making cards
Giving Boone a bath
Planning the week's meals
Catching up with family
Birthday shopping for Ty (ideas, anyone?)
Birthday shopping for Mom
Flossing
Organizing our desk
Cleaning any area of our house
Blogging about something of significance

Mother's Day Resolve - Success

I made it my personal resolve this year to not complain, feel sorry for myself, or say anything negative on Mother's Day.  And guess what?!?  It wasn't a challenge.  I might've griped a little bit leading up to the weekend, but once Sunday rolled around, all was peachy.


It must've been people's positive thoughts and prayers, amazing and understanding friends, and the best friend a wife could ask for.  Thanks!

On Sunday we slept in, got coffee together, and picked out some plants at home depot. I worked in the yard for a few hours.  We read and watched TV.  It was a relaxing, all about us kind of day.