Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Not Quite There Yet

But will I ever be?

A little over a month ago, when everything was hunky-dory in our household, a friend invited me to free load off her friend and take a trip to Hawaii.  The only expenses would be airfare and food.
(And shopping.  But that goes without saying.) After encouragement from Ty to do something for myself, I looked up ticket prices.  A $250 ticket basically screamed "DO IT! DO IT!"

That flight leaves Friday.  And I just don't know if I can do it.

For one, everything isn't hunky-dory right now, and that makes it harder to leave.  Nothing tragic, just a difficult couple of weeks in many aspects.  (Yes, cryptic, I know.)

Second, I just don't know if I'd enjoy being there.  And what is more depressing than being in paradise when it doesn't feel like paradise? Lame.

Also, the Guilt.  Guilt is a fairly new thing for me.  But now the thought of leaving Lainey for 5 1/2 days keeps me awake at night.  Brings tears to my eyes.  Is giving me these damn stress bumps I get on my fingers. They hurt, too.

When Ty and I left her for one night, she was a grizzly bear when we returned.  Clingy, whiny, screaming over nothing.  Wouldn't fall asleep. That was just three weekends ago.

Ty would take care of her just fine, of that I'm confident. And she loves, loves, loves her daddy.  But she needs, needs, needs her mama.  At least that's how it feels right now.

And yes, the logical part of me is whispering, "She'll be fine."  "It'll be good for her and Ty." "You need some rest." "The break will be good for you." And all the other things probably running through your mind right now.

And yet, I just don't know if I can leave yet.

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