It's Not About Me. Or Could It Be?

Or, there is the very likely chance that I have no flippin' idea what it's about.

It's been a heart-breaking few days around our house, a confusing few days, and underneath it all, defying any logic or sense, a peaceful few days.

I've been working through a study called Believing God by Beth Moore.  (Side note: I'm not a B.M. groupie.)  As a proud self-preservationist, God has quite a job working in my heart.  My instinct is to protect myself at all costs.  I'm a pessimist and I try to never, ever get my hopes up by believing in something that isn't a sure thing.

I've learned that God calls me to be the opposite.  Huh.  The opposite of my human nature.  Go figure.

I began the study thinking it would help me have faith that God will bring Lainey home.  Only a few weeks into the study I am learning there are so many miracles for God to do and most of them have to do with me, not Lainey.

So it is about me.  It's about my heart.

I was journaling, wondering if bringing Lainey home is really a miracle.  Something that could only happen through supernatural, divine intervention, and decided, no.  Lainey can come to our home through the actions and decisions of man.  Orphans are brought into homes all the time without specific prayer for them.

Then it hit me that perhaps the miracle - the event that could only happen through supernatural, divine intervention - is the renewing of my heart. A potter molding clay into something the clay has no intention of being.  No desire to be.

Yep.  That's what hit me.  Or rather, slowly ran over me and I'm finally catching on.  So, a little over a week ago I just decided I was going to be the faithful person who believes God is who He says He is and God can do what He says He can do.  I realize that makes it sound like it was a flippant decision.  I "just decided." In truth, I really didn't feel like I had any other option.  That was God working in me.

To put that faith into action, I began believing that God's plan for Lainey is smarter than my plan to have her here yesterday.  "Anything not of The Lord is the lesser," according to my Bible study.

Our case had been submitted to Embassy and we received confirmation that they were attempting to track down the police officer in charge of her abandonment. With my renewed faith, I set aside my instinct to protect myself and begin hoping and believing that God would bring her home soon. I wanted to prove to God that I do believe Him.  I started expecting an email telling us it was time to board that plane and pick Lainey up. I began opening up to people easier, sharing my hope.  I even started to lay out clothes to pack for L.

I got an email, all right.  The first words were We regret to inform you...  Turns out the Embassy was not able to locate the officer, so our file is being sent to the U.S. Citizenship & Immigration Services (USCIS) in Nairobi, Kenya, for further review.

Heartbreak.

And yet I feel like God is saying, "Am I still worth believing in?  Do you still trust me?"

And I have to respond Yes, Lord.  Not only because it's the only hope I have to hang onto, but because maybe this is all my doing. Maybe I've been holding up this process.  There is so much work to be done in my heart that only God can do.  I've known this for so, so long and have been resisting.  Oh sure I've gone through the Christian motions, but I've not let Him really mess with this chunk of clay.  I've wanted the control.  I've been more confident in my ability to protect myself.

And for real, when Lainey is safely home in my arms, my heart will be so filled with her, it probably won't be so conducive to all the work God needs to do in me first.  Right?  Aren't I always less receptive to God's movement when things are going well?

I really don't blame God if he allowed the officer to go wherever he went to see if I really believe Him.  Really trust him.  One re-commitment on my part, conveniently right before we could get potential good news, isn't so convincing.

So, I choose to believe God's promise that He will not give me more than I can handle.  And I choose to believe He knows more than I do.  And, miraculously, believing brings me relief and peace.

I don't know what happens with L's file in Nairobi.  I hope they will email in a couple weeks and say we are approved to pick her up. I believe that can happen and I am allowing myself to hope.  But, if that's not in God's will, we may not see our daughter for months.

In the meantime, I will continue to let God shape me. I will believe that someday, even if it isn't until I'm in Heaven, I will understand that there is indeed a reason better than I can currently comprehend for this delay.