God is at Work in me.
I struggle with how open to be on this blog. It's out there. And I'm a guarded person. I am taking a risk on this one, but I don't feel I can keep it to myself: God is at Work in me. I can only attribute the changes to Him because, let's face it, solo, I'm lost. I flounder. I wander.
It began on Christmas Eve. Well, I'm sure God was at Work long before then, but on Christmas Eve, I fell in love with Jesus all over again. I re-discovered Emmanuel, God is with us. I privately grappled with this discovery for a week before sharing with Ty. I think I said, "Something is changing in me, and I'm scared." At that point, I was scared to even pray about it. I was scared to tell God that I loved him. That I wanted to renew a relationship with him. What would God ask of me? What would I have to give up? Would my friends and husband understand?
He continued to Work.
There came a point when I could not longer not give up something for Him. I had to sacrifice. I had to show Him that this is For Real. The only way I can explain it is, when you love someone, that's what you do, right? I considered fasting once a week, but quickly realized that could easily become more about me than God....I'd feel so skinny those days. (Note to all you doctors, counselors, and psychologists out there...please do not read into the previous statement. I do not have an eating disorder or body image issues.)
What are my idols? What does my life reveal about my priorities? What do I allow to define me?
Money. With money I can buy clothes, purses, shoes, accessories, home decor, books and magazines that are me. Really, are they me? It would be so much easier if they were. They are funky, cute, trendy, new. They aren't struggling, dark, twisted, jealous, selfish, shamed, lost, scared, insecure, judgmental.
Alcohol. With a glass of wine I can be sophisticated. With a beer I can be low maintenance. Whiskey and coke, laid back. Raspberry kamikaze, one of the gals. I can be funny, loving, and most importantly, out-going. And, let me tell you, I can dance.
What would it mean to give these things up? What would be left of me?
Woe to those who go to great depths to hide their plans from the Lord, who do their work in darkness and thinks, "Who sees us? Who will know?" Isaiah 29:15
Yet, o Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand. Isaiah 64: 8
"Can I not do with you as this potter does?" declared the Lord. "Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand." Jeremiah 18:6
But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, "Why did you make me like this?" Did not the potter have the right to make out the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use? Romans 9:20-21
If there is nothing left of me in me, God has free reign to Work.
He'll have his hands full with me, for sure, teaching me love, generosity, self control, patience, and selflessness, just to name a few.
I am scared. I am scared others will think I'm a kill-joy, a hypocrite, or self-righteous. I am scared I'll be misjudged. I'm scared I will fail.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. I John 4:18
I pray God's perfect love will quiet my fears as he continues to Work in me.