Ramblings: Peace and Faith. And Misunderstood

Have you heard the phrase "peace like a river?" Not to minimize its spiritual meaning, but I do prefer "peace like an ocean."  Peace comes and goes with the tide.  Sometimes you feel it, nice and calm.  And sometimes, when you don't expect it, your feet get knocked out from under you.  But, it's the ocean, and the ocean is amazing.

This picture was taken on our honeymoon seconds before a wave knocked me flat.

Many people are asking how we are doing and what the latest is.  Thank you for that.  Well, there is no latest, really.   The decision Ethiopia made to reduce its foreign adoptions has not been reversed.  Our options are still the same, and we really don't know what we will decide.

But, Ty and I are doing well.  We are laughing a lot together and being really, really nice to each other.  Emotions are running high in our house, so it would be very easy to fight BIG with each other.  After one close call, we learned to laugh and not expect too much out of each other.  Aware that we process things so differently, Ty and I actually haven't spent much time talking about the issue.  One minute one of us will feel one way, and the next, the complete opposite, so we spare each other our individual roller coaster rides.  Last night we did agree on this: anything either of us mentions to each other would not be "held against him."  We gave ourselves the freedom to speak our minds and hearts without being held accountable to feel the same way in the future.

Freedom is a powerful thing.  It's helped to give myself the freedom to feel whatever it is I feel.  That's run the gamut - pain, hurt, anger (lots and lots of anger), sadness, relief, confusion, denial, and peace. 

Individually, I am doing all right.  I can definitely feel the prayers of others.  A little more peace comes each day; my thoughts are not consumed by the issue and I can laugh...and mean it. The area I am struggling the most in is feeling misunderstood.  I typically don't dwell too much on what others think of me, but I really fear I am misunderstood right now.

Several people have said to me, "You just need to have faith in God.  You need to be patient and trust His timing.  He knows what is best." I believe those words.  I really do.  But, they carry an implication that I do not have faith.  That I'm not patient.  That I don't trust God's timing.  At least that is what my sensitive soul tells me.

Our decision whether to adopt from Ethiopia or domestically does not feel like an faith issue.  We believe God has given us this obstacle, at this exact moment in our process of adopting, for a reason. If we had received this news after we had our referral, there is absolutely no way we would consider postponing our international adoption.  No way.  But we didn't.  Though we are months into the process, we are only in the beginning stage.  We don't have a picture of a baby who is ours.  Our home study report hasn't even been finalized.  Had we got the news just a few days later, we would have been $4000 deeper into the process.  We would have held BINGO night, received support from others and had one more dimension to work through.

So, yes, I do trust in God's timing.  And I am trying to listen to Him right now.  We are trying to be patient by waiting for Him to reveal the next step we should take. 

We want to love a child.  We want to give a child a home to grow up in knowing God, feeling love, and being safe.  And then we want to do it all over again.  And maybe again.  Perhaps we will continue the long path toward our little Lainey in Ethiopia.  Or maybe we will adopt domestically and return to Ethiopia.  Either way, I don't believe we can go wrong.  I don't believe we will be faulted by God or anyone else for choosing one over the other.  But, our hearts have recently been broken and we want to move forward at our own pace, united and sure in what we are doing.  That doesn't mean we lack faith or are not "in it for the long haul."  Isn't parenting a long haul? We signed up for work, sweat and tears when we decided we want to be parents.  The route we take to get there, well,  that is one that circumstances have convinced us to re-evaluate.

All that said, I am holding onto the truth that we will be parents.  That we will love a child (or two, or three, or...) of our own.  And I hold onto this truth:

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.  And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."


Romans 5:1-5