These past couple months, since the news of a 90% reduction in Ethiopia's international adoptions, have challenged every area of my life. Socially, I withdrew. Emotionally, I weakened. And spiritually, well, spiritually I tanked. I mean, I really, REALLY tanked.
As of late, I realize that my perception of God is completely warped. I do not feel different toward my heavenly Father than I do my toward earthly relationships. How do I know this? My response to God is the same as my response to people.
I expect people to let me down. I enter relationships with trepidation and my guard up. I don't trust many people with my real feelings and I don't open up with others until I feel completely safe. I have a hard time respecting myself when I'm "out there." This way, when people let me down, I tell myself I expected that. And I use it for an excuse to further seclude and protect myself.
This time, I feel it is God who let me down. He led us toward the path of adoption from Ethiopia. He gave us hope that we would start our family soon. And he took it away, or so it seems. I know that this is all for a reason and that God sees more than I ever possibly can. Yet, I still feel let down. Abandoned. Led on and dropped.
So, of course, what do I do? I tell myself I expected that. I stop praying. Stop seeking Him out. After all, He hurt me. He led me down a path He knew would lead to disappointment. Why make myself vulnerable again? To this end, I seclude and protect myself. I leave it up to Ty to review adoption paperwork. I read emails from CHI and YWAM, but with a guarded heart and skepticism.
This is hurting me. Obviously, it is hurting my relationship with God. Also, it is hurting my relationships with others and the grace I allow myself to give others. It is hurting my marriage. My sweet husband, ever the optimist, deserves a better side of me.
I long to relate to God above others. I want to know him as sovereign, faithful and trustworthy. I just don't know how to get from here to there. I do not want to rely on external circumstances to fuel my faith in God, but internally, the engine has died. How does one renew faith? Where does one start when it feels so forced, so fake, so false to pray? Who do I turn to when the One I know can save me, I am so angry with?