Sunday, November 21, 2010

"Guard My Heart?"

It's been awhile, but I feel like I haven't been away.  Recently, I finished my autobiography for CHI, Children's House International.  When I began I thought, no biggie.  I can write about my life story, no prob.  32 pages later, I stand corrected.  It began with 11 pages of questions (size 12 font) ranging from How did your parents show you comfort? to If your spouse decides to back out of this adoption process, how will you respond?  I answered the first question about five weeks ago, and finished last week.  I learned much about my husband as he completed his autobio and even more about myself.

Try this one on for size:

Q#28: Have you dealt with your infertility?  ...feelings about experiencing this loss in your life? ...experience a period of grieving? ... loss been sufficiently resolved...wouldn't hinder your ability to bond...child not born to you?

"My struggle with infertility at times has been more difficult than I would have guessed it to be and at other times a non-issue.   I have always wanted to adopt a child, so it came as no surprise or great disappointment to me when I did not get pregnant early on.  When I realized how badly Ty wanted a child of our own, my struggles were more about guilt than grief and loss.  I felt selfish that I wanted to adopt as much as, if not more than, I wanted to have my own child,  and that it was my fault Ty was not getting what he wanted.  More recently, my dealings with infertility have been frustration.  All around us friends are getting pregnant their first month trying while we had these enormous decisions to make about adoption - which agency, which program, how will we pay for it, what will our parents say.  Sometimes that frustration still creeps in.  It'd certainly be much easier to make love, go to the doctor for a few visits, attend labor classes, and have a baby.  But, I do not ache for the experience of physically giving birth to a baby or having or own child together; rather I ache to love and nurture a child, to be a mother, and raise a daughter with the man I love.  We've prayed God to give us a biological child or align our desires with each other and God's will.  We trust that He's given us the desire to parent for a reason, and we choose to not limit God by only accepting the easiest route."

The completion of our autobiographies brings us one step closer to having our daughter.



It is becoming real that we will be parents.  Reality fills me with complete excitement one day and unexplained depression the next.

I almost went to Babies R Us last weekend.  I was just so stinkin' thrilled and rationalized it...if I were pregnant, I'd SO be there.  I decided against it, though.  My mom summed it up later on the phone.  "You have to guard your heart."   Something I am usually so skilled at doing.   But, wow, a daughter?  We are going to have a daughter!  Not tomorrow, not next month, but someday [hopefully] soon!

Guard my heart?


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